VERSE 1:
Hey there Jo, I don’t mean to bug you,
And I don’t want to sound like a prick,
As it happens I really love your series,
But I’ve got a little bone to pick.

I know it’s difficult to keep track
Of all the characters you put in.
And I don’t blame you for the movie’s addition
Of some random black kid and plot convenient twins,

But the fact of the matter is you seem to have misplaced
A character from Harry’s first year.
She was with them all as they were sorted,
But by year five, she had disappeared.

And now I’m left to wonder
Just what became of this girl?
If she never took her OWLS, then
How did she get a job in the wizarding world?

CHORUS:
Oh, whatever happened Sally-Anne Perks?
Did her parents not like Dumbledore and all his little quirks?
Did she just think that Snape and the Slytherins were jerks?
Or was she afraid that Harry Potter would just go berserk?

Did she get too close to where the basilisk lurks?
Did she try to Apparate without knowing how it works?
Or did she just flunk out for not completing all her work?
Whatever happened to Sally-Anne Perks?

VERSE 2:
You might think that I’m nitpicking,
But it’s kind of an anomaly.
We don’t even know what Hogwarts house she’s in,
Though she was sorted right before Harry.

As they were called to take their OWLS,
She should have been in the same place,
Between Patil and Potter, but
Her name wasn’t called, and she never showed her face.

So what happened between years one and five,
To remove this girl from the list?
Since we only heard her name mentioned once,
It’s almost like she doesn’t exist!

But I’m still not convinced, Jo.
She’s out there, on the literary lam.
‘Cause I made a Google image search, and . . .
. . . I mean, damn.

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
All right Jo, I’ll tell you what,
‘Cause I know you haven’t got the time.
I’ll just make her story up myself,
And if I do a good job, maybe it’ll even rhyme.

VERSE 3:
So, she was sorted, just before Harry,
To Hufflepuff (because that’s my house.)
She went through four years at Hogwarts,
But she didn’t like the work and all she did was moan and grouse

So, with OWLS looming, and Umbridge foul,
And Voldemort’s return imminent,
She decided to pursue a wizard rock career,
So she toured with the Weird Sisters through Lancaster and Kent,

‘Til a talent agent saw her and said,
“You should consider a stage career
At the Wizarding Academy for Dramatic Arts.”
(For my sister’s sake, I had to include that here.)

And that’s what I think happened
To this mysterious anomalistic girl.
Of course, I guess it’s also possible that . . .
. . . JK Rowling just made a mistake and . . . forgot to add her name to the list of people taking OWLS . . . but this is so much more interesting!

CHORUS